Running Out of Time

Gotta get a job.
Gotta get a car.
Gotta pay for college.
Gotta pay rent.
Money money money.

Make. It. Stop.

Hi, my name is Mia and I'm a sixteen year old girl and I have no idea where I'm going with my life. Although I do know that I'm running out of time. In a few months I'll be seventeen. Then a year after that I'll be 18 aka an "adult". Um, no thank you.

Every other day my mother sits me down with that "look" on her face. You know the one. The one where you know you're going to be sitting for a while, so you better get comfortable. I have a bunch of different people telling me a bunch of different things. Actually, no, that's not true. I have my parents saying "The time is now. What are you plans.". Then I have everybody else saying "You're sixteen! You have plenty of time. Focus on enjoying your adolescence."

Obviously, I want to listen to the latter.

But the pressure is sinking in. Less than two years and I'll be considered an adult. What do I have to show for it? A bunch of mixed up plans and a basically empty bank account? That doesn't sound very promising. I know that I have to do things differently, but I have no idea where to start. I guess I could start with a job. Then I could get a car. Then I could save to "have my own life" as my mother likes to put it. That basically means moving out and being on my own.

These last few years have been flying by way to fast and I would really like to find the pause button. I'm not ready to leave the carefree part of me behind, but I know to accomplish moving forward, that I don't really have a choice. There is either the side where I put on my game face, or the side where you can't tell if I'm really sixteen or five. It's really frustrating that I can't have both and still be taken seriously.

I'm not in a hurry to leave my highschool years behind, but it's coming up fast whether I want it to or not. Change is gonna come and I've got to either adapt and survive or stay put and fail at life. Neither sound fun.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've had enough anxiety about the future for one day. If you need me, I'll be in my blanket fort coloring.

I Want To Remember

Somebody once told me that these years are the best years of my life.

I look back at my life and I realize... I've done some amazing things. Looking back, I see more of the good than I do of the bad. I really really hope that looking back at these years, I see the same thing. While I'm in the thick of it, I see pain and suffering. I don't want to see the world like that. I know that I can change the way I see the world, but for whatever reason, it's been hard for me to make that choice.

No more.

I want to look at my life and leave behind something worth remembering. I want to look back at myself and see a person, who had her struggles, but was able to conquer the person she didn't want to be, to become the person she'd always dreamed of. I want to look back at my friends (who are hopefully still around) and realize that I made the right choice by letting them in. I want them to be my bridesmaids and my future children's aunts. I want to remember and look at them as unbiological sisters. If the girls I'm friends with now become those people for me, I'd be pretty darn happy. If I meet a few more of those type of girls, I'd be happy with that too. I also want to look back at the heartache and see that it's helped me grow. I want to see that I've picked myself up and was able to grow from the pain.

Change is a hard and scary thing, but it's also exciting. There are a lot of lessons to learn. There is a lot of pain and happiness to experience. And while change can bring about some really hard times, it can also bring out some incredible ones.

It's also something that I really need right now.

You know how you can read a certain book, or watch a tv show, and suddenly feel inspired? Like, if someone else, fictional or not, can pick themselves up and accomplish amazing things, then why can't I? It's time I started on those amazing things. It's time for me to clean up my act and do something with myself. It's time for me to get off my butt and bring about some change.

I think I'm finally ready.

Idea of Love

We all want to be wanted.
We all want to feel special.
We all want to be loved.

But what happens when we aren't?

We grow up hearing the fairy tales and walk around with this naive belief that we will have all that one day. Disney if one of my most favorite things. Ever. It has taught me so much. But Ariel was 16 and telling her father, "But I love him Daddy. You don't understand.". And, in the Disney movie, she got her happy ending, her Prince Charming, AND she had perfect hair throughout. As much as I'd love to believe in something like that, as far as I know, that doesn't exist. In fact, in the actual Little Mermaid story... Actually never mind, you don't want to know and I refuse to ruin it for you. Just know, it wasn't a happy ending for Ariel.

We spend our whole lives running. Whether it's running away, or running towards something, we're always on the move. Sometimes the world spins way too fast and sometimes it feels like the world isn't spinning at all. No matter how fast you're running or what direction you're running in, love is a huge part of it. Love is a huge part of everything. There is no denying it.

Love is a million things. It's a motive that is implanted in our being that directs our decisions. The decisions might seem crazy, but it's what our hearts care about the most. Love is crazy. From what I've seen, it makes you lose your mind. I don't think I've ever actually been in love, but from what little bits and pieces I've experienced, it makes you absolutely lose it. Emotions go through the roof, whether it's extreme happiness or unfathomable sadness. Love is the little things too. A smile, a hug, a simple hello can mean the world to someone. Sometimes those little things are more than enough.

Everyone loves differently. Some people are utter romantics who want rocks thrown at their windows and to be serenaded. I'm pretty sure that if someone was throwing rocks at my window in the middle of the night, I'd come out with a baseball bat and be entirely freaked out. Then are people who just want someone to talk to, someone they can count on, someone who they know will be there for them. Some say "I love you." and some say "You're an idiot.". Love comes in all different kinds. Love can be in the romantic sense and in the friendship sense. Everyone loves differently.

When it's real, love is beautiful. It's what holds you together when you're falling apart and without it we feel lost.

So what happens when it's gone? The absence of love is one of the most horrible things I've had to suffer through. It's very important to understand what the absence of love is. It is not hatred. The absence of love is when you can see love around you. You see the people you love and you see that they love you. Your friends, your family. You see it and it's all around you. But...

You
Can't
Feel it.

All you feel is empty. And it makes you feel like you suck because you can't feel the love that's around you, and worst of all, you can't return it. It gets to the point where you are on your knees begging God to give you your emotions back. You're so empty it makes you sick. And it's so hard to just not give up when that happens.

But you know what? You've gotta keep fighting. Because love? Love is patient, love is kind, love is... the most beautiful thing a human being can experience. You've got to keep fighting because even though there will be times that you feel unwanted and empty, when you get those emotions back and start crying those tears of relief and gratitude... you'll realize that no matter what happens in the future, those brief moments of happiness and love and emotions... Are so worth it.

They really are.

The Truth Will Set You Free

But first it will piss you off.

I find myself saying that more and more these days... You know how you can be really good at giving advice, but really sucky at taking the advice yourself? Yeah, me too. I always say you have to face the truth and let things do what they do, yet I always find myself searching for new ways to run away from the truth.

It feels like a chapter of my life has just ended with the summer, but I'm in this limbo-like place, stuck in between chapters. I don't think the next one has actually started yet. It has, but it hasn't. Right now I think I'm reflecting on the past chapter and trying to retain the lessons I learned so I can make progress in the next chapter and not just repeat the last one.

Or that's my excuse. I have a bad habit of rereading the last chapter instead of trying to focus on writing the next one. I know I should stop banging on the door that kicked me out and closed on me, but I can't help it. I can't see any other open doors at the moment, or they seem unreachable. It's like I'm stuck in a suffocating hallway and I'm left in this state of constant panic. I don't know where to go from here. So I run back to what I think I know.

When a chapter is in process, everything kind of falls together, eventually, piece by piece. But when you're in between chapters a little more effort is required. When life has kicked you to your butt once again, it's hard to get up. It takes a lot of energy just to get back up again and then life expects you to put even more energy into finding where to go from there?! Really?! It's much easier to just stay down and contemplate why the last chapter had to end. I guess I'm very bad at letting things go, even when there's nothing left to hang onto.

So, the question is, where to go from here? I'm pretty sure I'm still banging on the closed door screaming for someone to let me back in, but what good will that do? I've gotten what I could out of that chapter. Nothing is going to change or progress until I move on. I need to start writing the next chapter. But it's a real struggle for me to pick up that pen and start writing. Rereading the last chapter (and the chapters before that one) has become so addicting to me, that I don't know when I'm going to be able to pick up that pen and start writing again. Probably because I feel like pieces of me are still lost somewhere in the previous pages... I've got to fully realize that the pieces I have now is who I am. The funny thing is, I write the truth that I don't like, but recognize, and I still find a way to run away or distract myself from it. I know it's time to get up again and pick up my pen, but the truth is, that I'm scared I won't be able to find my way again, like I used to.

I need to stop trying to play things safe. I would imagine that if you were reading what my current chapter held... you'd probably fall asleep or lose interest and put the book down. That is not how I want to write my chapters. But for me to write the way I want to, I need to take my own advice, get back up, and start sprinting towards the next door that holds the tools I need to write a successful next chapter. That requires me to stop hanging on to what is no longer there. That requires me to let go, which is a very hard thing to do. It's funny, the literal act of letting go is so simple. It can seem scary because it means falling into the unknown. But who knows? Maybe somewhere in the unknown is everything you're looking for. You'll never know until you get the courage to let go of what's gone and see where the unknown takes you. It's time for me to loosen my grip and fall, so I can get back up, grab my pen, and start my next chapter.