I find myself saying that more and more these days... You know how you can be really good at giving advice, but really sucky at taking the advice yourself? Yeah, me too. I always say you have to face the truth and let things do what they do, yet I always find myself searching for new ways to run away from the truth.
It feels like a chapter of my life has just ended with the summer, but I'm in this limbo-like place, stuck in between chapters. I don't think the next one has actually started yet. It has, but it hasn't. Right now I think I'm reflecting on the past chapter and trying to retain the lessons I learned so I can make progress in the next chapter and not just repeat the last one.
Or that's my excuse. I have a bad habit of rereading the last chapter instead of trying to focus on writing the next one. I know I should stop banging on the door that kicked me out and closed on me, but I can't help it. I can't see any other open doors at the moment, or they seem unreachable. It's like I'm stuck in a suffocating hallway and I'm left in this state of constant panic. I don't know where to go from here. So I run back to what I think I know.
When a chapter is in process, everything kind of falls together, eventually, piece by piece. But when you're in between chapters a little more effort is required. When life has kicked you to your butt once again, it's hard to get up. It takes a lot of energy just to get back up again and then life expects you to put even more energy into finding where to go from there?! Really?! It's much easier to just stay down and contemplate why the last chapter had to end. I guess I'm very bad at letting things go, even when there's nothing left to hang onto.
So, the question is, where to go from here? I'm pretty sure I'm still banging on the closed door screaming for someone to let me back in, but what good will that do? I've gotten what I could out of that chapter. Nothing is going to change or progress until I move on. I need to start writing the next chapter. But it's a real struggle for me to pick up that pen and start writing. Rereading the last chapter (and the chapters before that one) has become so addicting to me, that I don't know when I'm going to be able to pick up that pen and start writing again. Probably because I feel like pieces of me are still lost somewhere in the previous pages... I've got to fully realize that the pieces I have now is who I am. The funny thing is, I write the truth that I don't like, but recognize, and I still find a way to run away or distract myself from it. I know it's time to get up again and pick up my pen, but the truth is, that I'm scared I won't be able to find my way again, like I used to.
I need to stop trying to play things safe. I would imagine that if you were reading what my current chapter held... you'd probably fall asleep or lose interest and put the book down. That is not how I want to write my chapters. But for me to write the way I want to, I need to take my own advice, get back up, and start sprinting towards the next door that holds the tools I need to write a successful next chapter. That requires me to stop hanging on to what is no longer there. That requires me to let go, which is a very hard thing to do. It's funny, the literal act of letting go is so simple. It can seem scary because it means falling into the unknown. But who knows? Maybe somewhere in the unknown is everything you're looking for. You'll never know until you get the courage to let go of what's gone and see where the unknown takes you. It's time for me to loosen my grip and fall, so I can get back up, grab my pen, and start my next chapter.
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