Idea of Love

We all want to be wanted.
We all want to feel special.
We all want to be loved.

But what happens when we aren't?

We grow up hearing the fairy tales and walk around with this naive belief that we will have all that one day. Disney if one of my most favorite things. Ever. It has taught me so much. But Ariel was 16 and telling her father, "But I love him Daddy. You don't understand.". And, in the Disney movie, she got her happy ending, her Prince Charming, AND she had perfect hair throughout. As much as I'd love to believe in something like that, as far as I know, that doesn't exist. In fact, in the actual Little Mermaid story... Actually never mind, you don't want to know and I refuse to ruin it for you. Just know, it wasn't a happy ending for Ariel.

We spend our whole lives running. Whether it's running away, or running towards something, we're always on the move. Sometimes the world spins way too fast and sometimes it feels like the world isn't spinning at all. No matter how fast you're running or what direction you're running in, love is a huge part of it. Love is a huge part of everything. There is no denying it.

Love is a million things. It's a motive that is implanted in our being that directs our decisions. The decisions might seem crazy, but it's what our hearts care about the most. Love is crazy. From what I've seen, it makes you lose your mind. I don't think I've ever actually been in love, but from what little bits and pieces I've experienced, it makes you absolutely lose it. Emotions go through the roof, whether it's extreme happiness or unfathomable sadness. Love is the little things too. A smile, a hug, a simple hello can mean the world to someone. Sometimes those little things are more than enough.

Everyone loves differently. Some people are utter romantics who want rocks thrown at their windows and to be serenaded. I'm pretty sure that if someone was throwing rocks at my window in the middle of the night, I'd come out with a baseball bat and be entirely freaked out. Then are people who just want someone to talk to, someone they can count on, someone who they know will be there for them. Some say "I love you." and some say "You're an idiot.". Love comes in all different kinds. Love can be in the romantic sense and in the friendship sense. Everyone loves differently.

When it's real, love is beautiful. It's what holds you together when you're falling apart and without it we feel lost.

So what happens when it's gone? The absence of love is one of the most horrible things I've had to suffer through. It's very important to understand what the absence of love is. It is not hatred. The absence of love is when you can see love around you. You see the people you love and you see that they love you. Your friends, your family. You see it and it's all around you. But...

You
Can't
Feel it.

All you feel is empty. And it makes you feel like you suck because you can't feel the love that's around you, and worst of all, you can't return it. It gets to the point where you are on your knees begging God to give you your emotions back. You're so empty it makes you sick. And it's so hard to just not give up when that happens.

But you know what? You've gotta keep fighting. Because love? Love is patient, love is kind, love is... the most beautiful thing a human being can experience. You've got to keep fighting because even though there will be times that you feel unwanted and empty, when you get those emotions back and start crying those tears of relief and gratitude... you'll realize that no matter what happens in the future, those brief moments of happiness and love and emotions... Are so worth it.

They really are.

The Truth Will Set You Free

But first it will piss you off.

I find myself saying that more and more these days... You know how you can be really good at giving advice, but really sucky at taking the advice yourself? Yeah, me too. I always say you have to face the truth and let things do what they do, yet I always find myself searching for new ways to run away from the truth.

It feels like a chapter of my life has just ended with the summer, but I'm in this limbo-like place, stuck in between chapters. I don't think the next one has actually started yet. It has, but it hasn't. Right now I think I'm reflecting on the past chapter and trying to retain the lessons I learned so I can make progress in the next chapter and not just repeat the last one.

Or that's my excuse. I have a bad habit of rereading the last chapter instead of trying to focus on writing the next one. I know I should stop banging on the door that kicked me out and closed on me, but I can't help it. I can't see any other open doors at the moment, or they seem unreachable. It's like I'm stuck in a suffocating hallway and I'm left in this state of constant panic. I don't know where to go from here. So I run back to what I think I know.

When a chapter is in process, everything kind of falls together, eventually, piece by piece. But when you're in between chapters a little more effort is required. When life has kicked you to your butt once again, it's hard to get up. It takes a lot of energy just to get back up again and then life expects you to put even more energy into finding where to go from there?! Really?! It's much easier to just stay down and contemplate why the last chapter had to end. I guess I'm very bad at letting things go, even when there's nothing left to hang onto.

So, the question is, where to go from here? I'm pretty sure I'm still banging on the closed door screaming for someone to let me back in, but what good will that do? I've gotten what I could out of that chapter. Nothing is going to change or progress until I move on. I need to start writing the next chapter. But it's a real struggle for me to pick up that pen and start writing. Rereading the last chapter (and the chapters before that one) has become so addicting to me, that I don't know when I'm going to be able to pick up that pen and start writing again. Probably because I feel like pieces of me are still lost somewhere in the previous pages... I've got to fully realize that the pieces I have now is who I am. The funny thing is, I write the truth that I don't like, but recognize, and I still find a way to run away or distract myself from it. I know it's time to get up again and pick up my pen, but the truth is, that I'm scared I won't be able to find my way again, like I used to.

I need to stop trying to play things safe. I would imagine that if you were reading what my current chapter held... you'd probably fall asleep or lose interest and put the book down. That is not how I want to write my chapters. But for me to write the way I want to, I need to take my own advice, get back up, and start sprinting towards the next door that holds the tools I need to write a successful next chapter. That requires me to stop hanging on to what is no longer there. That requires me to let go, which is a very hard thing to do. It's funny, the literal act of letting go is so simple. It can seem scary because it means falling into the unknown. But who knows? Maybe somewhere in the unknown is everything you're looking for. You'll never know until you get the courage to let go of what's gone and see where the unknown takes you. It's time for me to loosen my grip and fall, so I can get back up, grab my pen, and start my next chapter.